Instinct or ingrained, at this point in their lives it didn't matter, it was habit, permanent. A fellow jock, no doubt - another guy always watching the patterns, the movements, making sure no detail of the action escaped his attention. And it sucked.īut one guy in the classroom looked at him right away. It was the first time in his life he'd been somewhere he didn't know anyone. Like you were going to ask them for spare change, or beg them to join your cult. Almost nobody wanted to look at you, nod, smile, say 'Hey,' just be.civilized. Trying to make eye contact with people on campus was like a contact sport where the goal was to avoid contact. Nobody looks at anybody, he thought, anywhere ever. There was nobody with a hand on his shoulder, nobody to whisper, 'You belong here.' He'd made the change and it was too late to unchange it, and his blood went ice cold and he thought, What have I done?Įveryone in the classroom was in their own little world, not even looking up at the new guy. He had a year of sitting out ahead of him, a year in academia alone for the first time in his life.

Not Lessing College, where he'd at least been able to keep his scholastic head above water. Not Party Hearty State College, where maybe he should have gone. What are you doing here? It was Cal State Berkeley, man. He was here, the die was cast, as Caesar said. I'm not ready. It didn't matter, he knew. Just give me another minute, Brian appealed. One set of desires will bring them together, the other will force them apart. For Brian, his downfall will be the substances he uses to get an edge over the competition, and to suppress his gnawing self-doubt and guilt. For Roger, the demands of the closet, the need to reject the love of a man to fulfill his love of the game, will be a crushing burden. Roger needs a big brother, a best friend, but that will never be enough, especially not when he's this close to big, strong, handsome Brian.Īnd both men want something more - careers as professional athletes. Both men are hungry for connection - Brian needs the acceptance, encouragement and support he never had growing up, and when he finds out his new best friend is gay, it brings his own identity into question. When Roger Ehrens and Brian Rauch lock eyes on the first day of their junior year of college, a friendship is born. Two promising college athletes meet, each needing something only the other can give him.

Given the Circumstances by Brad Vance